Oh "Brother,"

We= Me and my grandmother.
Do you know what that is, right above this sentence? Of course you don't otherwise you would be blogging about it too. It is a piece of crap, is what it is. It is a useless piece of plastic that draws people in a than spits them out later. This might be worthy to add to the rip off list. Heck, we would put this at number 1 on the all time rip off list. I am going to sue Office World and Brother Typewriters, for giving me a defective typewriter. You hear that, Brother, you've been warned.

Yesterday, we ordered some ribbon to put in it so we could actually see the text. We were so happy when it arived nearly 24 hours later, on the front door step of grandma's house. We danced around and sang and of course praised the lord. We. then, got it out of the box that it was being contained in and went over to the you-know-what, and tried to see if we could take the other one out. First we took the ribbon the printed white, out of it and than we tried to take the cartridge out. We popped it out only to find that it was actually part of the machine and that we were supposed to put the other ribbon on top of it, not where it was. After realizing this, we sat there, wishing we hadn't done that.

We dedicated the next 30 minutes to trying to hook the thing back on the... other thing. We tried different things, including the old push'n'pull and using a knife, a fork, a toothpick, another knife, and last another knife. No luck, until I heard a snap from the you-know-what and grandma said "I got it." There's nothing like using your hands.

I got the black ink ribbon and snapped it into place, just above the other thing that I don't know the name of. It was all in place. We had the letters the ribbon, the snapper thing that makes the letters and, most importantly, the paper. I looked at my grandmother, and she looked back at me. We shared to quick prayer and than I sat down and typed one letter. F. And than I typed another letter. U. I pressed the space bar enough times so we could see the spot on the paper where I wrote those to letters. Nothing.

At that moment I turned into a bull and started charging at that typewriter, like a red sheet, all the while swearing my ass off... in my head, but all that came out of my mouth was "gosh." I fiddled with it for about 30 more minutes, but grandma had already given up. She went into the kitchen and started to make some Peanut Butter cookies. (Do you like nuts?) After 30 minutes passed by I indignantly walked into my room, sat on my sore ass and tuned the tv to channel 402 to watch some NBATV.

The Turkeyradio Times: July 6th 2010: "Local adolescent drives to grandma's house in far away 'christian' town,"

Column 1: Boy drives to town populated by christians.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable happened. A boy, age 12, left his home in Portland to go all the way up to Goldendale. The boy was not kidnapped or raiped, he just left Portland. Good thing "Turkeyradio Times," is here to bring it to you first.

Thanks, Mark. It all happened, about 3 weeks ago, when this young boy's mom decided to send him to his grandma's house for 2 week's before, returning to home and going to his Larry Steele basketball camp. Eli, the 12 year old boy, made lot's of sarcastic remarks about his grandma's house between then, and now, but inside he really felt like he wanted to go to his grandma's house. Sources indicate, that he was happy when he got there, so happy, in fact that he started to dance around his room, nerf basketball in hand.

Before he left to go to Goldendale, he and his mother and grandmother, stopped by the local plant shop to get some plants for there garden's. Eli, as you can imagine was not thrilled about it, but he stuck along for the ride, knowing that there was a "Whopper," in it for him afterwards. Sources indicate that, not only did he eat a Whopper, but he also ate a side of fries and start chicken nuggets that are supposed to look like crowns and some sprite. Mark?

Well, Staci, this boy must have been hungry because that's a lot of food for a 12 year old to consume at one time, not that I blame him. All that he had had that day was hashbrowns and egg's 3 hours earlier. The poor kid must have been starving. Back to you, Staci.

Thank you, mark. I am being told that on the way down to Goldendale, Eli and his grandmother listened to a cheesy Mary Higgins Clark audiobook. Well, thats all we have for now. See you next time on The Turkeyradio Times.

Column 2: Advice column.
Today's word of advice is this. Being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it.

Thank you,

A 3 Hour Synopsis of Driving to Grandma's House,

Me and grandma left the house briefly after my brother's babysitter, Robin got there. We exited through the front door and almost immediately ran into Doom-dirt. In it we found a pair of radishes which made me lol until the point where I crapped my pants. Grandma asked if we put the radishes in there and I answered back saying that we would have to be crazy to put plants into dirt that, at some point, would turn into a garden. You don't put plants in dirt when the dirt isn't in a garden yet. Duuh!

She told me that we had to drive up to Oregon City to get some Victorian clothes that her friend was going to give to her. I sat there in the passenger seat reading and repeating directions until I almost memorized how to get there. I also renewed my hate of mapquest. They say that to get from 10th street to Jackson is 0.1 miles but guess what? it was more like 1 mile and just go to the website and try to get from Portland to Paris. See what I'm getting at.

After the horrible attempt to understand Mapquest we arrived at a yellow, cozy home that looked like an old English home that was built in the 20's. I was half right it was made it the 20's but it was supposed to look Victorian. Same thing! When we got inside it felt like we were in the lobby of a hotel, except considerably darker and smaller. In it there was a woman who seemed to be in her mid to late 50's and a closet full of Victorian clothing. When i say this lady had a lot of Victorian clothes it was an understatement.

Like grandma, it seemed, she was an antique collector. In the lobby of her house was an old antique cabinet. In it was a whole lot of books that were the same size color and length. I thought this lady would be crazy to keep the same book but when I took a closer look I saw that they were all readers digest. I had to stop myself from laughing. After that she went into her Victorian closet for I while and I stole an Altoid from an Altoid box on an antique table, no surprise.

When she arrived back from the journey that she had in her closet i noticed that she was wearing Sketcher's Shapeups! I had to keep myself from laughing again. Before we went she insisted that we went on a tour of her house. It looked like a Victorian Castle. oh my God. This woman didn't even have any clothes aside from her collection of Victorian clothes. Her house is Victorian. You know she seems like the kind of woman who would paint wallpaper oh wait she did that too she painted wallpaper gold and the wallpaper was on her ceiling! WALLpaper, people not ceiling paper!

Victorian wasn't the only theme in her house. I noticed that the toilet and the sinks were separated so that means she must have a New Zealand background as well. She even told us towards the end the the tour that her husband was born in New Zealand.

After we were done touring the interior of the house we went outside to the exterior and let me tell you it had Victorian written all over it. There were plants all over it and there were stone steps and everything. Now I know what a Victorian castle looks like. After a while we went back inside to pack up all the clothes. During that time we got to talking about how good god is. She told us that she went through some kind of illness and she kept saying that God saved her. That is plausible but maybe just maybe, i'm just saying, the doctor saved her.

I was so relieved when we finally left her house but right when we got in the car grandma whipped out the Mary Higgins Clark book and this time it was un-abridged. During the drive we stopped by Burgerking to get something and I was still hungry so while we were in the Dalles we did it again. They were doing this Eclipse contest, but I didn't win tickets to the movie for opening night. Sigh. The drive back was 3 hours.

3 Hours 4 Minutes and 22 Seconds,

I want to start with yesterday, June 19th. it was one of the most agonizing, painful and utterly itchy days of my life. yes... itchy. It all started when I woke up, I felt a very itchy, itch on both of my thighs and so I scratched it and though nothing of it until my back started to burn from itchiness too and that was when i asked my mom to scratch it for me. When I pulled my shirt of the first thing she and thomas noticed was that there was a bunch of little white dots o my back; most likely bug bites. She told me that was too bad and than she said that we should was my bed sheets because maybe there was some sort of bug species that had colonized right under my plaid bed sheets. I didn't think that was what it was. I thought it was some sort of were-bug that lived in my bed spring and only came out at night to bite me and suck my blood. So that would make it a Vamp-were-bug....

My itching didn't really act up until we went out to dinner at a mexican place called Fonda Rosa. I think it was the chairs because they were all rubbing up against my back. Me and mom went to the salon before we went home, to get her stuff and while we were there i lifted my shirt and my entire torso and bits of my back were red and some of the skin was raised. It was some pretty sick stuff. We went home and she put some lotion on me and my stomach area got better and my back too but I started to get itchy around my thighs again and so what I did was wet a wash cloth and put that in between my legs and it felt a whole lot better.

The cool thing is, that now i know how my brother Jasper feels when he scratches. its like athletes foot on your head shoulders knees and toes... and back and torso.

Back to the blog. When I was itching I was told that we were going to interview a new nanny for the J-man at brunch tomorrow. I woke up, feeling better and took a shower and got ready to go to meet her. We arrived at the restaurant at about
10:30 and we got some drinks and went to sit on a very soft, short couch next to a pool table. On the table in front of the couch was a chess set and me and Thomas started out, drinking coffee and playing chess. it was pretty fun, but he beat the crap out of me and afterwards he gave me the whole "you are getting better,' speech even though I totally sucked.

We were told by a waiter that we were going to have to wait about 45 to 50 minutes. Me and Thomas played chess and watched World Cup Soccer for about 30 minutes and that was when maybe-nanny-to-be came and sat down next to us. On first impression I thought that she was a really nice person and she was. me and Thomas continued playing chess and talking to each other for a while. The new nanny and my mom were talking about the baby and each other when the waiter came out and said that it was going to be about 8 to 10 more minutes until we were seated.

He was a liar, we were not even close to seated 30 minutes later. We were still sitting and talking about the baby and playing chess and watching World cup Soccer.

To make a long story short we were in there for 3 hours 4 minutes and 22 seconds.

Dear Somebody...

Dear Somebody,
I know that you are very busy, somebody, but I feel that I should tell you about my life right now. Why am I writing you a letter, you ask? Because I am so damn bored that crapping my pants almost seems like it would be fun right now. So anyway, on Friday my grandma picked me up from school, but she was very late because she turned left instead of right and she got lost, so she was late.
Me and my friends decided that it would be fun to call Mr. Bacons classroom and listen to his voicemail. It was a computer saying "hello" and than Bacon's voice came in and said "Matthew Bacon-Brenes?" Almost like he didn't know what his name was, and than the computer would say "is not available," and than all the options would come one. All in all it was a pretty fun idea. We did it over and over and over, and nobody would answer because Bacon is in Japan and his office was empty... oh lol.
In Seigel's class he read a letter (actually an E-mail that Bacon sent) to us and it was really funny because he would always stutter whenever there was a really hard Japanese word. "I am getting lots of... omriragi, what?" And than we would all say what it really was and he would be all like what ever and just keep reading until it all happened again. It was like reading a book about the rain cycle.
Lately, Somebody, I have been seeing lots of things about the NFL draft because my friend Milo that sits next to me ALWAYS talks about it. Whenever we get a computer to do research on our E.P's he always go's to ESPN and looks it up and he always vents to me about how he thinks that the Viking's should have gotten Tim Tebo, whoever he is. I don't care, now when the NBA draft comes around... thats gonna be awesome because first of all no one's last name is going to be Tebo and second of all it's Basketball and it is actually and interesting sport.
Since Bacon is in Japan we have this new sub that is really a b****. First of all she either takes a shower AT the school or she puts a lot of gel in her hair because her hair is really really shiny and smelly. I think she even laughed once too. Oh wait no she didn't. She is one of those subs that doesn't know what the hell she is doing so she burns people for no reason. I would rather have BAcon teaching the class than her. And now that she has been here for a while she knows what we are supposed to do so there is no "oh yeah we have recess right now," kind of thing. Nope. Back when she was a new sub we did that to her all the time, and she fell for it. Some subs are smart and actually know what to do... not her. Sometimes we get lucky though, when the teacher forgets to write the things that we are supposed to do, so we can trick the teacher all we want. Ha ha haa.
On Sunday we went to church and we learned all about how we are not supposed to keep the 10 commandments, but we are supposed to think about them when ever we violate them. I was so bored that I started counting how many times Greg said I believe (8) and started reading my graphic novel bible. Sometimes I think church is fun because now I actually know something so I can go be all smart in front of Thomas. I also kept track of how many times we prayed. We prayed 5 times in the whole thing, and at one point we prayed twice in a row. I'm no expert on it but I think God gets it! I could imagine God being like my mom, when people pray to many times he gets pissed and tells the people to stop praying because he gets what they are saying. I will ask my mom to play my PS3 and she won't say anything and I will ask her again and she will get a mad look on her face and tell me that she knows what I want. But eventually, praying will come through for me... like when me and my mom decide to go to a midnight mass at the church and and I am so tired. The priest will say that it is time to pray and I will fall asleep, will I am praying. Is that a sin? In church I learned something that really made me get pissed. So Greg said that if you sin in this life that your future generation's will be punished. I felt like I was in school so I raised my hand and than I took it back down again, but what I wanted to say was that everybody sins, so wont every generation be influenced by badness?
"Well no, Eli, it doesn't work that way," Greg would say. "Since I am perfect and you are a rotten piece of S*** my generation will be awesome and yours will be a bunch of Garbage-men when they grow up." And after that we would sing a song and one of the lines will say "... who saved a wretch like me." All those songs really hurt my self esteem.
Somebody? When things like that happen do you go talk to your health teacher... well we are learning about self esteem right now so... yeah.
This week we are going on a field trip to go see the play the chosen. Two worlds collide beneath the shadow of an ancient tradition when a young Hasidic boy knocks a ball right into the eye of his Orthodox rival at a baseball game between their two yeshivas. The batter is Danny Saunders, the brilliant hereditary heir apparent to his father Reb Saunders, the leader of an ultra-Orthodox Hasidic sect. The pitcher is Reuven Malter, son of David, a modern Orthodox humanist professor whose writings are hated by Reb Saunders. Danny's line drive puts Reuven in the hospital, but guilt draws him to visit, and the most unlikely of friendships develop.
Over time, Danny's intellectual curiosity about the secular world draws him towards the Malter family, where he finds the warmth that his father (who refuses to speak to Danny except when studying the Talmud) has denied. Then World War II ends, bringing the possibility of a Jewish state. A heated disagreement between the fathers about the nascent state of Israel results in Reb Saunders forbidding Danny to speak to Reuven. The silence between them strains (and ultimately transforms) their relationships to their families, their faiths and each other. As they each walk the careful line between their own dreams for the future and the paths their fathers have chosen for them, both boys discover that sometimes the most critical choice you can make is the choice...of a friend.

Freaky, right? So what do you think.

Eli Hacker.

Woopti-do Log A.K.A The Most Boring Time of my 12 Years Of Life!

Every Wednesday and Thursday I ride the bus down to 28th and Burnside to hangout at my mom's shop. Now, sometimes I actually have something to do, like read a book or do my homework. But this week would be the worst. This week made me believe in Karma because when I get out of school to go to the bus stop, the bus was already there and I had to yell to someone to hold it for me.
"Hey!? WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING IT UP FOR ME?"
"Nnnn!"
"EXCUSE ME?!"
"NNNNN!"
And than the broken walk sign would turn on and I would run across the street hearing the walk sign say:
"ksinon... ksinon... Ksinon."
When I got to the other side of the street the guy gave me bad looks for the whole ride. What the hell did I do?
"NNNN!!!"
"WELL SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDN'T HOLD A BUS!"
Most of the bus rides I sit behind someone with a problem, like one guy was really gassy another was very talkative.
When I would arrive at Woopti-do every body would greet me and I would always nod and keep about my business.
"Hey Eli."
"Hi Jody."
"Hi Eli."
"Hi Shirly."
"Hi Eli."
"Hi mom," and there was more. I went into the backroom and sat down for a minute to relax and take it easy, than I would go to the bathroom. Afterwards I would tell my mom how my day was and she would tell me to stop distracting her. I love you to. I returned to my kingdom of bleach and rice cakes A.K.A the backroom and I opened my backpack to see if i had any homework. Oh no. Whats this? No homework, well I must have a boo- oh no... oh no, [bends down on knees and looks up at sky,] OH NOOOOOOOOOOO!
I took my seat on Khat's chair and rested my head on my hand. I sat there for about, oh 30 minutes (no kidding) and I saw my mom checking out one of her clients and all of a sudden the phone started ringing.
"Eli can you get it, its Thomas," I quickly ran over to the phone. There was a chance to get a laugh.
In a gay voice I said, "Woopti-do this is Eli."
"Hey Eli can you give the phone to your mom?" I handed the phone to my mom and basicly what happened was Thomas was going to come by and take to the anniversary party our friends were having. My mom said he was going to be there around half an hour from now. So I took my seat on the desk and waited. Staring at the door, hoping that a bulky bald figure with a cigarette would walk in front of the door looking in. Hoping that a blue Honda would drive, smoothly, by the store. But no... never.
At one point I got up, looking for the news paper to see if I could find the sports section. It wasn't there.
Around 1 hour and 15 minutes later I saw Thomas walk by, my heart jumped and I went outside and hugged him so much.
We left after that and we went to Burgerville and I got a hamburger and fries and we both curled up with our respective sports section. We than went to see the performance, it was pretty cool, the building was dark and there was candles hanging from the ceiling.
When it was done we all hung out in the backroom joking and one thing that happened really depressed me.
..."And we can take a video of it," and everybody cracked up.
And than I said, "ya and than we could be all like hey kid this is how you were born," and everybody stopped laughing and just looked around. :(

THE END, finally