The Turkeyradio Times: July 6th 2010: "Local adolescent drives to grandma's house in far away 'christian' town,"

Column 1: Boy drives to town populated by christians.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable happened. A boy, age 12, left his home in Portland to go all the way up to Goldendale. The boy was not kidnapped or raiped, he just left Portland. Good thing "Turkeyradio Times," is here to bring it to you first.

Thanks, Mark. It all happened, about 3 weeks ago, when this young boy's mom decided to send him to his grandma's house for 2 week's before, returning to home and going to his Larry Steele basketball camp. Eli, the 12 year old boy, made lot's of sarcastic remarks about his grandma's house between then, and now, but inside he really felt like he wanted to go to his grandma's house. Sources indicate, that he was happy when he got there, so happy, in fact that he started to dance around his room, nerf basketball in hand.

Before he left to go to Goldendale, he and his mother and grandmother, stopped by the local plant shop to get some plants for there garden's. Eli, as you can imagine was not thrilled about it, but he stuck along for the ride, knowing that there was a "Whopper," in it for him afterwards. Sources indicate that, not only did he eat a Whopper, but he also ate a side of fries and start chicken nuggets that are supposed to look like crowns and some sprite. Mark?

Well, Staci, this boy must have been hungry because that's a lot of food for a 12 year old to consume at one time, not that I blame him. All that he had had that day was hashbrowns and egg's 3 hours earlier. The poor kid must have been starving. Back to you, Staci.

Thank you, mark. I am being told that on the way down to Goldendale, Eli and his grandmother listened to a cheesy Mary Higgins Clark audiobook. Well, thats all we have for now. See you next time on The Turkeyradio Times.

Column 2: Advice column.
Today's word of advice is this. Being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it.

Thank you,

Mother's Day Slavery *cough cough* I mean Preparation,

Well to start it off, there's mother's day an than there is fathers day... but what about us? What about all the kids in the world who work all day long and help there mom's and dad's all day long... no! We don't get any appreciation. You see, in Japan they celebrate children's day on May 18th. The kids don't have to go to school, they get presents and all this stuff. But not here in America. Us American's are so blinded.
So, anyway back to mother's day. Right when I woke up I was thinking "oh crap, I need to make something for my mom before its too late." The last few years I have forgotten to get or make any thing for my mom and she always says that it's okay, and than she goes into the bathroom and cries all day long. Yes mom... I saw that.
Thomas said that today we were going to clean around the house to make my mom happy when she got home from work. I thought it was stupid because if I were Staci I would have seen this coming from a mile away, I would have been all over it. So when my mom left we got started. I turned on the tube to motivate us to work hard and than all of a sudden I got tired and so I sat down and watched t.v. I felt bad because Thomas was doing all the cleaning and I was just sitting there, on my butt watching a basketball game. I am a horrible person.
All of a sudden, out of no where I got my energy back, but I didn't want to clean at all so I went over to the park and played some basketball. I played pretty well I guess.
When I came back as usual Thomas told me to be quiet by shushing me and so I was quiet.
We watched t.v for a good part of the day, and than grandma and Marisa came over to hang out with the baby. I was so hungry, so I begged Thomas, on my knees to got to BurgerKing and so we did. Yummy.
So I guess it wasn't really slavery.