Column 1: Boy drives to town populated by christians.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable happened. A boy, age 12, left his home in Portland to go all the way up to Goldendale. The boy was not kidnapped or raiped, he just left Portland. Good thing "Turkeyradio Times," is here to bring it to you first.
Thanks, Mark. It all happened, about 3 weeks ago, when this young boy's mom decided to send him to his grandma's house for 2 week's before, returning to home and going to his Larry Steele basketball camp. Eli, the 12 year old boy, made lot's of sarcastic remarks about his grandma's house between then, and now, but inside he really felt like he wanted to go to his grandma's house. Sources indicate, that he was happy when he got there, so happy, in fact that he started to dance around his room, nerf basketball in hand.
Before he left to go to Goldendale, he and his mother and grandmother, stopped by the local plant shop to get some plants for there garden's. Eli, as you can imagine was not thrilled about it, but he stuck along for the ride, knowing that there was a "Whopper," in it for him afterwards. Sources indicate that, not only did he eat a Whopper, but he also ate a side of fries and start chicken nuggets that are supposed to look like crowns and some sprite. Mark?
Well, Staci, this boy must have been hungry because that's a lot of food for a 12 year old to consume at one time, not that I blame him. All that he had had that day was hashbrowns and egg's 3 hours earlier. The poor kid must have been starving. Back to you, Staci.
Thank you, mark. I am being told that on the way down to Goldendale, Eli and his grandmother listened to a cheesy Mary Higgins Clark audiobook. Well, thats all we have for now. See you next time on The Turkeyradio Times.
Column 2: Advice column.
Today's word of advice is this. Being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it.
Thank you,
Showing posts with label audio books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label audio books. Show all posts
7.06.2010
6.24.2010
Day #3,
Today pretty much turned out just as I had planned at the beginning of the day. The only thing that really sucked was the draft. It was a whole lot more boring than I had planned. I thought that there was going to be this big draft conspiracy where the number one team traded there picked for the number 2 pick and everyone goes crazy. Turns out not, just an old guy standing there, behind a podium, with the back ground noise of vuvuzela's. And for all of those who don't watch World Cup Soccer (Fifa is a bitch) a vuvuzela is an African noise maker that makes the most annoying sound you will ever hear. It makes you double take whn you turn on a baseball game and hear a vuvuzela. You think "I thought it was the world cup, not the world series." Hahaha thats a knee slapper and bu-dum-sh.
The day started the usual way, I got woken up by the tele-marketers and helped myself to a nice bowl of Apple-Jacks. I deserve to eat food like that after living with my mom for 12 years. Though the other day we did go to KFC and thomas bought me a KFC double down chicken sandwich, but that was ruined when he told me that they grossed HIM out! That totaly sucked, because if a food grosses thomas out you know that it must be made of mustard. Eww.
Anyway, after that I sat on my brown swivel chair and watched countless NBA draft preview shows on countless different channels. I hated listening to the same thing over and over and over again so I tuned it off and played Nerf ball with my new red and purple ball that will probably be lost once i take it to my house. I did this for a few hours until I had a nice lunch of Hebrew national Hot-dogs. they get better every time I eat them. it almost makes me want to make a commercial out of it.
"When I say Hebrew you say National, Hebrew National go blend of meats, usually chicken, beef, pork, or turkey and then meat fat, oatmeal, bread crumbs, various seasonings, and other ingredients. They are then mushed together and put into hot dog molds. Store bought hot dogs are put into cellulose casings, but homemade are usually made of intestines that people try to caaal meat! That might not make sense.
After that encounter I went to the basketball court again to make my self esteem drop again because of the shitty rim that they put there. Grandma made me bring a water bottle this time so instead of drinking out of it i poured it on my head every few minutes to keep cool. No one was there gain today. i thought that they must have been at the pool, but when I checked with grandma I found out that the only pool in Goldendale in history was the one in our back yard. On the way home, while listening to our audiobook I saw the guy who I played basketball with yesterday. He gave me the head nod and me, trying to be as black as my white skin would allow, nodded back.
When we got home I laid on the bed, watching several draft preview shows. it really sucked, even up until the draft too. The draft was so boring in fact, it might still be going on. Oh yeah its still going on and it started at 4:30! Portland got this guy called Elliot Williams. That totally sucked.
just another old day in Goldedale...
The day started the usual way, I got woken up by the tele-marketers and helped myself to a nice bowl of Apple-Jacks. I deserve to eat food like that after living with my mom for 12 years. Though the other day we did go to KFC and thomas bought me a KFC double down chicken sandwich, but that was ruined when he told me that they grossed HIM out! That totaly sucked, because if a food grosses thomas out you know that it must be made of mustard. Eww.
Anyway, after that I sat on my brown swivel chair and watched countless NBA draft preview shows on countless different channels. I hated listening to the same thing over and over and over again so I tuned it off and played Nerf ball with my new red and purple ball that will probably be lost once i take it to my house. I did this for a few hours until I had a nice lunch of Hebrew national Hot-dogs. they get better every time I eat them. it almost makes me want to make a commercial out of it.
"When I say Hebrew you say National, Hebrew National go blend of meats, usually chicken, beef, pork, or turkey and then meat fat, oatmeal, bread crumbs, various seasonings, and other ingredients. They are then mushed together and put into hot dog molds. Store bought hot dogs are put into cellulose casings, but homemade are usually made of intestines that people try to caaal meat! That might not make sense.
After that encounter I went to the basketball court again to make my self esteem drop again because of the shitty rim that they put there. Grandma made me bring a water bottle this time so instead of drinking out of it i poured it on my head every few minutes to keep cool. No one was there gain today. i thought that they must have been at the pool, but when I checked with grandma I found out that the only pool in Goldendale in history was the one in our back yard. On the way home, while listening to our audiobook I saw the guy who I played basketball with yesterday. He gave me the head nod and me, trying to be as black as my white skin would allow, nodded back.
When we got home I laid on the bed, watching several draft preview shows. it really sucked, even up until the draft too. The draft was so boring in fact, it might still be going on. Oh yeah its still going on and it started at 4:30! Portland got this guy called Elliot Williams. That totally sucked.
just another old day in Goldedale...
*Caution* this post contains lots and lots of sarcasm so don't believe everything you read... good life lesson.
5.22.2010
"When in Goldendale... 2"
Everything starts when i go outside on a Friday afternoon, right after schools over, and find that my grandma, and her green little Prius, are not there. I will usually wait there and socialize with my friends and tell them that if an old lady with blonde hair coms and walks by say heck instead of hell and use the phrase, "oh my land a lot," but it turns out that grandma never walks past our group, which is good because if she walked passed us uncensored I would be transfered to Goldendale Middle school in no time.
We all socialize for a few more minutes and than I see Ella screaming and Kayla chasing her up the hill, that leads to were my posy is. It appears that she is holding a box with a barbie in it. I walk away slowly and dismiss it as the crappiest present you can get for a girl on her birthday. But than I hear Milo screaming as he takes a look at the barbie box. I decide that if Milo screams because of what is in it it probably means that I will crap my pants. I walk over there and take a look at it. It looks pretty cool. It looks like Ella's dad took it out of the box, pimped it out to make it look like Lady Gaga and than put it back in. I was pretty cool, i'll give her that, but it was nothing to be screaming over. I wave it off again and walk away, and than Milo walks over to me and asks me if I saw what was in the box.
"Yeah, its a barbie that looks like Lady Gaga, so?" I say and than Milo waves for me to come over and take a better look at the box containing the Barbie. I read the stickers on it and one says... "plus a free pair of Lady Gaga tickets for you and a friend," and I look inside the box, behind the Barbie and OMG THERE IS A PAIR OF LADY GAGA TICKETS IN THERE FOR HER AUGUST CONCERT AT THE ROSE GRADEN. OH MY... GOSH THAT IS SO COOL. All of a sudden I start to tell Ella how she is my best friend, a tactic I use when I want Kayla to give me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, at lunchtime.
Just than I see a green Prius pull up to the curb where the yellow school bus had just departed from. I silently curse to myself and signal to grandma to wait for a minute. I squeeze in another look of the tickets and I muse bout how Ella's father is not proud about getting the tickets to the concert, but how he is making a big deal of how long it took him to get the dolls hair just right. I chuckle while I walk to my grandma's car. I throw my backpack in the back seat and find my baby brother Jasper there and my backpack almost hit him.
"Be careful," my grandma said to me while I tried to maneuver my large backpack around my bothers big car-seat. I slam the door on him, still pissed that I didn't get to swoon over the tickets for as long as I wanted to, and climb into the front seat to find my grandma holding three different audio books in her hands.
"So before I sat your brother, I went to Borders and kind of went on a shopping spree, for audio books. I had already assumed that judging from the large back of colorful little boxes in the back seat, just below my brother.
"Oh really, thats cool," I said and I meant it. "Are they all Mary Higgins Clark or did you get some others?" I asked because I really didn't want to listen to another one of her story's again, especially if it was read my that person who I can't tell what gender they are.
"Oh most of them are written by her, those will be the ones we listen too," she said. "The others are just for me, when I am alone driving by myself." This made me very suspicious. The thing about grandma is that she is a very hard-core Christian, but she still watches law and Order and The Closer and "bad things" too, and that was what always confused me about her.
I nodded to her and she told me that we were going to be dropping my brother off at my mom's work. I asked why and she said because if we did drop him off at my house no one would be there to watch him. Thats when I remembered that Thomas started working Friday's and stopped working Sunday's. I liked it the way it was. Friday was an all family day and than on friday it was a manly day filled with 2K10 and changing diapers and random trips to the basketball court and bathroom....
I got out of the car after we parked in the Whole Foods parking lot (its right across the street from Woopti-do) and helped grandma get J out of the car and shut the door for her. We had a big fuss about how to lock the car. She told me to push the black button and HOLD IT DOWN but I said that the people from Toyota made it so you could just tap it and it would lock. Finally I pushed and HELD IT DOWN and of course it locked... damn you people at Toyota, you made me look stupid in front of my grandma, Thanks a lot.
When I entered my mom's hair salon I wasn't embraced my a bunch of old lady's like I usually was I was just... not greeted and not respected. I wanted them to all say hey Eli so that me and grandma could talk about it in the car to prolong listening to the audio book. The only person there when I walked in, besides my mom, was Khat and 2 of her clients, an old lady and a kid, who's gender was not readable. Khat looked at me and than nodded me off just as if I was someone who was normal. Pshh.
oh got to go. Tell you the rest when I return.
We all socialize for a few more minutes and than I see Ella screaming and Kayla chasing her up the hill, that leads to were my posy is. It appears that she is holding a box with a barbie in it. I walk away slowly and dismiss it as the crappiest present you can get for a girl on her birthday. But than I hear Milo screaming as he takes a look at the barbie box. I decide that if Milo screams because of what is in it it probably means that I will crap my pants. I walk over there and take a look at it. It looks pretty cool. It looks like Ella's dad took it out of the box, pimped it out to make it look like Lady Gaga and than put it back in. I was pretty cool, i'll give her that, but it was nothing to be screaming over. I wave it off again and walk away, and than Milo walks over to me and asks me if I saw what was in the box.
"Yeah, its a barbie that looks like Lady Gaga, so?" I say and than Milo waves for me to come over and take a better look at the box containing the Barbie. I read the stickers on it and one says... "plus a free pair of Lady Gaga tickets for you and a friend," and I look inside the box, behind the Barbie and OMG THERE IS A PAIR OF LADY GAGA TICKETS IN THERE FOR HER AUGUST CONCERT AT THE ROSE GRADEN. OH MY... GOSH THAT IS SO COOL. All of a sudden I start to tell Ella how she is my best friend, a tactic I use when I want Kayla to give me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, at lunchtime.
Just than I see a green Prius pull up to the curb where the yellow school bus had just departed from. I silently curse to myself and signal to grandma to wait for a minute. I squeeze in another look of the tickets and I muse bout how Ella's father is not proud about getting the tickets to the concert, but how he is making a big deal of how long it took him to get the dolls hair just right. I chuckle while I walk to my grandma's car. I throw my backpack in the back seat and find my baby brother Jasper there and my backpack almost hit him.
"Be careful," my grandma said to me while I tried to maneuver my large backpack around my bothers big car-seat. I slam the door on him, still pissed that I didn't get to swoon over the tickets for as long as I wanted to, and climb into the front seat to find my grandma holding three different audio books in her hands.
"So before I sat your brother, I went to Borders and kind of went on a shopping spree, for audio books. I had already assumed that judging from the large back of colorful little boxes in the back seat, just below my brother.
"Oh really, thats cool," I said and I meant it. "Are they all Mary Higgins Clark or did you get some others?" I asked because I really didn't want to listen to another one of her story's again, especially if it was read my that person who I can't tell what gender they are.
"Oh most of them are written by her, those will be the ones we listen too," she said. "The others are just for me, when I am alone driving by myself." This made me very suspicious. The thing about grandma is that she is a very hard-core Christian, but she still watches law and Order and The Closer and "bad things" too, and that was what always confused me about her.
I nodded to her and she told me that we were going to be dropping my brother off at my mom's work. I asked why and she said because if we did drop him off at my house no one would be there to watch him. Thats when I remembered that Thomas started working Friday's and stopped working Sunday's. I liked it the way it was. Friday was an all family day and than on friday it was a manly day filled with 2K10 and changing diapers and random trips to the basketball court and bathroom....
I got out of the car after we parked in the Whole Foods parking lot (its right across the street from Woopti-do) and helped grandma get J out of the car and shut the door for her. We had a big fuss about how to lock the car. She told me to push the black button and HOLD IT DOWN but I said that the people from Toyota made it so you could just tap it and it would lock. Finally I pushed and HELD IT DOWN and of course it locked... damn you people at Toyota, you made me look stupid in front of my grandma, Thanks a lot.
When I entered my mom's hair salon I wasn't embraced my a bunch of old lady's like I usually was I was just... not greeted and not respected. I wanted them to all say hey Eli so that me and grandma could talk about it in the car to prolong listening to the audio book. The only person there when I walked in, besides my mom, was Khat and 2 of her clients, an old lady and a kid, who's gender was not readable. Khat looked at me and than nodded me off just as if I was someone who was normal. Pshh.
oh got to go. Tell you the rest when I return.
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