Part 2 of the Hitchhikers Anonymous Pentology,

Yesterday we were told, before we left, that we had to leave OMSI at 8 in the morning. Yes, that meant that I had to get up at 6. I nearly cried at the thought of getting up at 6 in the summer, to go wind surfing.

I got out of bed and put on my sweatshirt and swimsuit so i was ready to go swimming. I than went downstairs and fixed myself some blueberry pancakes and sat there, listening to sappy pop songs on my ipod. As I was getting to "Can't be Tamed," by Miley Cyrus when I heard the fain footsteps of my mom coming down the stairs. I quickly got off my Ipod and went into the kitchen to greet her with a hug. She enthusiastically hugged me back. I waited for a while, until Thomas took me to the OMSI building. On the way there we listened to ESPN Sports radio 10.80 The Fan.

The parking lot was empty, because it was so freaking early in the morning. We were the first ones there and so we waited for the check in to open and than Thomas checked me in. It was so freaking cold that I actually rolled down my sleeves. I know, right!

Once everyone got there, we went to the bathroom in the turbine hall. While everyone was taking care of there business, I was throwing paper planes down the elevator shaft. I never got caught. [fast forward] We got off the bus and started to eat our snacks. Before we went into the water we had to have our wet-suits fitted. This took like 8 hours because everyone didn't know how to put them on. I took like 2 seconds because mine was a perfect fit. And than they told us that we had to put on booties and a life jacket. Last year we didn't even wear a wet-suit, we roughed it, i only wore a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I almost drowned....

Once everybody had there wet suit on we went over to the river where we were taught how to wind surf. The thing that made me mad was there was 2 different kinds of 180's. There was an up wind 180 and a down wind 180. What's the difference, they both turn you around.

We, than, had lunch and then it was time to get into the water. I walked down to the shore and put a toe in the water. It was really warm. Slowly I took more step's until I was waist deep. it was freezing once you got to waist deep, and than it was the hard part. I had to put my genital area under the water. That hurt so much, man. I rode around on a board for a while until one of the life guards offered to help me actually wind surf. I said sure, and crawled onto the board. I hoisted up the mast and than
"plop!" I fell in backwards. My entire body was soaked now, and I was freezing.

I tried to do this so many more times, but every time I fell on my ass in the water. I never actually wind surfed. If I could name the field trip I would call it, Ass Wetting Boarding. I was soaked after that, and when we got out of the water, my feet got all sandy. YUK!

Tomorrow is gliding. Yep, falling out of the sky in a plane without a motor. Sigh.

Part 1 of the Hitchhikers Anonymous Pentology,

Here is 3 reason's why people should never wear khaki's ever as long as they live. 1.) They look horrible, the color is kind of the same as barf, and when your pants look like barf... just don't wear em'. 2.) They make your legs really hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, but maybe thats a good thing, because you could ruin your khaki's and not be able to wear them again. 3.) This is directed towards to khaki's with the cut-off shorts. You look horrible, the only person who wants to wear you is people at Eli's hit the road camp.

My camp started at 9, when Thomas dropped me off at the drop off tent, just outside of the OMSI building. I stood there, in my sweatshirt and jeans, and tried to look as cool as possible. I would frown and turn around some times and constantly flip my hair. The only thing that was missing was an Ipod, but they wouldn't let us take them with us. I kept mine with me anyway, so I could say that mine was with me. I also had my phone in a pocket in my back pack, also so I could say that I had it.

I ran into some girls that went to a camp last year, with me, but we didn't really talk until the Alpine Slides. Once everyone got to the drop off place, we went to the bathrooms to take a leak before we could no longer take a leak. We got on the bus and the girl counselor proceeded to tell us the schedule for the day. We were going to drive to Mt. Hood and go on the Alpine Slides for and hour and 30 minutes. Than we would go and eat lunch at the amusement park for 30 minutes, and finally we would play there for an hour before we would go back to ISMO, sorry, OMSI.

[fast forward past the part where I sit on the bus for 2 hours and be bored.] We were supposed to get on these really old, blue ski lifts to get to the top off the hill, before we sled back down again. That made me uncomfortable, because these things were ancient. The guy told me to walk on to the painted circle and wait for the ski lift to come and pick me up. I started out really slowly and than, little by little, we got faster. I tried to touch each pole as I went by it, than I heard someone from the seat behind me yell, "HI!" I said hello, back and than she asked me my name and yadayadayada. Than the people in the cart behind her started to talk to me, and it turned out they were the people from the camp, last year. I said hi and we had a loud conversation, considering we were 1 ski lift apart.

Once we got to the top, we got into 2 lines behind 2 slides. I got on the left one. The guy said I could go and so I started to push myself down and before you know it, i'm going fast as hell. It really hurt my arms because you had to push a lever to go fast and my arms were sore from clutching the sides of the ski lift while I was going up. I did that 3 more times before we drove to the amusement park to eat lunch.

I spent the rest of the afternoon playing on a bungie trampoline (hurt my balls) and sliding down a hill in an inner tube and getting sprayed by a sprinkler. On the bus ride back I talked with my friends from the camp last year. Tomorrow I need to get up and 6 to go to camp because we have to get leave early to go wind surfing. All the details, next.

I call this the hitchhikers blog because hit the road, kind of sounds like a hitchhiking camp.

The Last Days in Goldendale,

*Sniffle sniffle.* Well, ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for me, to leave my home away from home, in Goldendale to return to my home in Portland. It has been a good 2 weeks, all the NBATV, all the mini basketball in the hallway, all the basketball games (that i kicked ass at) and all the food. I will miss it. I won't return to this small town for another 3 weeks. Yes, I have camps for 3 weeks straight. That means that I will not be able to make fun of this town for 3 weeks! I will have to make up for it, somehow. I got it! I can make fun of Portland. Yes, thats what I'll do. *Pat on the back.*

But, i miss my baby brother so much, it will be good to see him again. I don't want to leave. I like it up here, aside from the really bad service, the obnoxious wind, the bad hoops, the bad typewriters, the sky thats way to light, the channel flipping whenever a Tampax commercial comes on. Other than that I will miss this town so much.

Why do I have to leave. WAAAH!

Top 5 Rip-offs of all Time,

When I was writing the blog about the typewriter that had white out for ink, it got me thinking, that maybe I should make a list of the top 5 rip-offs of all time. Just so, you know, you people know what to stay away from when you are in Canada or Office World etc. You should print this post out and keep it in a pocket so you can refer to it whenever you feel doubtful about something. Lets get this puppy started.

5.) Toyota Cars. Has anyone been watching the news. Those cars are death row... on wheels. The only way you can survive in one if the brakes get sticky on you is to quickly watch the Worst Case Scenario With Bear Grylls episode where you can't use the brakes, and even that sucks. They had a recall of Toyota's but I don't know if they gave the people there money back. Knowing Toyota... well I don't want to be mean. But if any of you out there are in the market for buying a new car, I would like to encourage you NOT to go to the Toyota store. I know they have the cool mini van but you still should go and take your chances with a safer car. Perhaps Subaru or maybe an Audi or maybe a Mustang... mom.

4.) Therapy. Know I know that some of you might not agree with me, I just think it's a bad idea. This is just my opinion. I think that it is kind of stupid to pay $1000+ to go vent to somebody who is only going to write things down in his/her notebook and say "uh huh." I know it feels good to tell somebody how you really feel, but thats what mom's are for, and if the reason your in therapy is because of your mom, than go over to a friends house and tell them or tell your other relatives. I know that therapist's tell you what is going on and why, but think about it, if you dug deep inside yourself, you could find the reason to, or maybe one of you friends or relatives could. Bottom line I think that therapy is a waste of money and a bad idea. Again this is only my opinion. Feel free to disagree.

3.) The Hawaii Chair. This is an exercise machine that is supposed to... i don't even no what it's supposed to do, all the people said in the commercial was "it really works." The Hawaii Chair is a chair that goes in circles around and around will you are sitting on it. I don't know about other people but that would really suck when I was talking. "Yeah, jOOOOOOEEEEE! I will GEEEEEEEEET! those papers TOOOOO you right AWWWWAAAAYYYYYY!" LOL. All in all it really sucks so stay away from it.

2.) White Ink. As seen in my other post that i wrote a while back, my typewriter came with a set of white ink. Yes you heard me right, ink that is white. White out. How am I supposed to see that? Oh yeah I put in black pape- wait it won't fit in the typewriter, so i guess the only way that I will read it is to see if i could see the indentations on the paper. The good part is that if I make a mistake with my white ink, I can erase it with my white, white out.

1.) Canadian Bacon. Yes you heard me Canadian Bacon, or as I like to call it... ham.
Thats all it is. Its just packaged ham. If you cook it, its not bacon, its cooked ham. It just doesn't work out. So from now one, if someone you know makes a really bad rip-off, all you have to say is "you pulled a Canadian Bacon,"

Disney Channel Shows and Movies... 7/14/10

I was sitting there, on my water bed, flipping between channels to find a show that would keep me occupied until the new "Mythbusters," episode came on. I set it down, at my side, satisfied with the summer league basketball game I had found. I watched the very interesting (sarcasm) summer league game for about 20 minutes when I felt an ache in my back. I shifted positions and found myself sitting on the remote control. I sat on the recall button and the channel went immediately to a show on Disney Channel called Wizards of Waverly PLace. "Jessica!" I whispered to myself, she had been watching something on Disney, while I was playing basketball. Not cool.

I had watched this show before, way back in the day when I only watched Nickelodeon and Disney. It was on at 2 right after Hanna Montana. I have to make a confession. Back about 2 years ago, I happened across a Hanna Montana show, and I liked it i guess and I watched it and before you could say "I got the best of both worlds," I was watching it every day. Eventually, grandma caught me and she never let me forget it. When ever we passed the Hanna Montana merchandise at Fred Meyer, she would say "you wanna get some, Eli?" *Shiver Shiver.* Wow, i feel a lot better now that I have gotten that out there.

Back to the point, I watched this show for a while and I was cracking up after about 30 seconds of watching it. It was hilarious... to make fun of, and so here we get to the point of this post. I am going to lay down the rules of a Disney Channel show, and maybe even past the show, to the commercials. This post is not different from another that I wrote, Eclipse. I am going to make suggestions and lay down the rules of every Disney show. Oh, yeah, before I forget, Wizards of Waverly Place, is a show about 3 young wizards who are learning the wizard trade. Every Wednesday, they have class, getting taught by there non-wizard father. Every week they learn a spell and what they shouldn't use it for, and than the middle child, Alex, makes a mistake and almost exposes the wizarding world to the... humans. Sorry i really wanted to say muggles.

1.) There is always a clueless character in it that makes it humorous so that people not only learn a lesson from the show, so they can laugh... and learn a lesson from the show. They say really stupid things that are only funny to 3 year olds, like "I use a toothbrush to get the mustard off," or Question "So do you like Little Women?" "Well, you know I'm not that picky." Example: Max, from Wizards of Waverly Place, is the youngest of the 3 siblings and everyone thinks that he is really stupid and he is. He was the one that said the thing about the mustard. Example: Zack, from The Suit Life on Deck, is the oldest of 2 brothers and Cody, the other one is really smart but Zack is really stupid, he is always copying answers off of Cody's tests, and he is also really unsanitary, like he ate a sandwich that he found in his underwear drawer and he hides food under his fingernails so that "I can have a great snack in when i'm hungry at school."

2.) The characters need to get something new that makes the problem later in the episode. It can be an object or a person or a spell or a machine or something like that. The characters will either get jealous of each other or they might get hurt or they might hurt someone and that will eventually make them apologize and they will become best friends again, and the object or person or machine or spell will be back to normal. Example: in Wizards of Waverly place the siblings learned a spell that could duplicate them selves. Alex wants to go shopping with her friends but she has a Wizard lesson that day and her father refuses to let her go to the mall or what ever. She makes a clone of herself and puts her in position so that it looks like she is listening and than she bolts so she can get to the store on time. Meanwhile at home, her father tells her clone that she can go to the store but her clone doesn't respond, since its just a dummy. So they go to the store and Alex gets busted.

3.) There needs to be a serious part at the end where everything gets straightened out and people apologize to each other and everything is fine. Example: In Wizards of Waverly Place Alex gets grounded for sneaking out and so she goes up to her father and says that she is sorry and that it was stupid and she says sorry again and than she hugs him, and which point I am on the floor crying because its so funny.

This has been "Breaking down the show," with Eli Hacker, see you next time.

Oh "Brother,"

We= Me and my grandmother.
Do you know what that is, right above this sentence? Of course you don't otherwise you would be blogging about it too. It is a piece of crap, is what it is. It is a useless piece of plastic that draws people in a than spits them out later. This might be worthy to add to the rip off list. Heck, we would put this at number 1 on the all time rip off list. I am going to sue Office World and Brother Typewriters, for giving me a defective typewriter. You hear that, Brother, you've been warned.

Yesterday, we ordered some ribbon to put in it so we could actually see the text. We were so happy when it arived nearly 24 hours later, on the front door step of grandma's house. We danced around and sang and of course praised the lord. We. then, got it out of the box that it was being contained in and went over to the you-know-what, and tried to see if we could take the other one out. First we took the ribbon the printed white, out of it and than we tried to take the cartridge out. We popped it out only to find that it was actually part of the machine and that we were supposed to put the other ribbon on top of it, not where it was. After realizing this, we sat there, wishing we hadn't done that.

We dedicated the next 30 minutes to trying to hook the thing back on the... other thing. We tried different things, including the old push'n'pull and using a knife, a fork, a toothpick, another knife, and last another knife. No luck, until I heard a snap from the you-know-what and grandma said "I got it." There's nothing like using your hands.

I got the black ink ribbon and snapped it into place, just above the other thing that I don't know the name of. It was all in place. We had the letters the ribbon, the snapper thing that makes the letters and, most importantly, the paper. I looked at my grandmother, and she looked back at me. We shared to quick prayer and than I sat down and typed one letter. F. And than I typed another letter. U. I pressed the space bar enough times so we could see the spot on the paper where I wrote those to letters. Nothing.

At that moment I turned into a bull and started charging at that typewriter, like a red sheet, all the while swearing my ass off... in my head, but all that came out of my mouth was "gosh." I fiddled with it for about 30 more minutes, but grandma had already given up. She went into the kitchen and started to make some Peanut Butter cookies. (Do you like nuts?) After 30 minutes passed by I indignantly walked into my room, sat on my sore ass and tuned the tv to channel 402 to watch some NBATV.

The Reunion (First attempted to be written by typewriter.)

Yes, at first I wanted to type this on my new typewriter, but than I came across the fact that it was just a piece of shit and would not cooperate with me if I bribed it. Yes, I got a new typewriter, not that I ever had one. Grandma got it for me a couple weeks ago and apparently "forgot," to tell me about it, because I seemed just "fine," with typing on the computer. Well, I have news for you, sister, I want to type on a typewriter. Typewriter; the longest word you can type on the very first row of your keyboard. It was a typewriter that was supposed to be able to erase your mistakes, but than I found out that instead of ink, there was whiteout. It almost inspired me to see if I could make a better rip off, though that is highly unlikely. So we went online and ordered some ink, to put in it so I can see what i am typing. I will start to write blogs on it, and maybe even some stories that you won't be able to read. Maybe me and my father could do a father, son novelist think like Anne and Christopher Rice. SPINE SHIVERING! SPINE SHIVERING!

Anyway, to the point, this last weekend was the family reunion for 3 different families in one back-yard. Yes you heard me right, they were going to merge 3 completely different family reunions. It's like a... 3 for 1 deal. Anyway, so we were there with 2 other family's that we didn't know. But the food made up for it. When I went to get food I saw some stuffing on the table, I got some and realized something horrible, under the stuffing there was a huge layer of crappy mashed potato's. Another rip off. But other than that, and the 8 salads on the table (Record: 9 at a wedding at the G-dale church) the food was wonderful. I ate my worries away. One of those worries was if I would ever recover from all the food i was eating. it all goes straight to my thighs. When I wake up tomorrow I am going to find camera's from "the biggest loser," surrounding my bed.

This weekend also made me feel like such a city boy. I found out that my grandpa grew up the Eddyville area. And all the tree's and stuff. All the people talking about how much they loathe Portland. There probably mixing us up with Cleveland.

The weird thing about the Reunion was that there was a history of it. it was always on the 2nd Sunday of each july and there was a treasury. Yep, thats right. There was a treasury... for a family reunion. That brought giggles to my face. Tee-hee.

Another funny thing is that when I went to sleep on Saturday night, at GG and Gramps' house, the bed was lined with plastic. okay sure I used to have a bed-wetting problem, but those days are behind me, and you don't need to make me feel bad. Gosh. Kidding I am kidding please don't take that seriously. All in all it was a big LOL. Oh my God, best rhyme ever.

Dear Dan Gilbert,

Many of you have probably heard about LeBron James decision to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers to go play in Miami with the Heat franchise. Well of course you've heard about it, they're practically putting it on cereal boxes. What you haven't heard is what Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert had to say about LeBron after he left. Please listen.

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE"

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....

Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers

I hope that you are laughing right now, because if you aren't there is something wrong with you. I have decided to do right and to reply to this really bad letter here is what i will say.

Dear Dan Gilbert,

First off I want to give you a well deserved thank you for making it fun to watch Sportscenter for that last few days. I love it when the people read your letter and than make fun of you and than ask you if you are a big voodoo guy. LOL. But really I think that this is hilarious. Did you know that the Sportscenter people thought that someone hacked into your computer and wrote this to Cleveland. That means you've gone to far. If it was my choice, I would fire you and promote Usher to majority owner. At least his face isn't in the news 24/7.

Next I want to talk about how you said that LeBron had a "curse." Well you seem to know a lot about voodoo, if you knew he had a curse, why were you putting $25mil on the table to get him back. Come on, Dan. Now did you know that the NBA isn't very happy with this letter. They might fire you, or worse, maybe they will make you Majority owner of the Miami Heat. Let me tell you that would be funny. As my mother would say... LOL!

And if you think that your city is free of a curse you are wrong. *I CAN PERSONALLY GUARANTEE YOU THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL BE 15TH PLACE IN THE EAST AND WILL NEVER EVER SNIFF THE SWEET AROMA OF THE PLAYOFFS EVER AGAIN.* You can take that to the other bank. This is just a little piece of the curse over your really bad city. (Sorry I'm all out of insults.) Your team hasn't won a championship in any sport, in 42 years and your city has 4 professional teams. It's not LeBron that cursed your city, its just the way that God wanted it to be. Obviously God hates Cleveland and I can't blame him. Cleveland sucks.

My last order of business is that you can't blame LeBron, he left your city because he felt that he couldn't win a championship there. Not because he thought that it would be fun to break a few million peoples hearts. But I also have to blame LeBron, its just cruel to schedule a 1 hour special to tell your followers in Cleveland that you are leaving to go to Miami. And if you think he left because of the money, than you are stupid. He went to a team with practicly no cap space and is only going to get paid around 15mil. He didn't go to the Heat because he liked the city, he went there because he hated your city and becasue he has the best chance of winning there.

You have to give credit to the Heat, resigning D wade signing Chris Bosh and of course signing LeBron all on one team. The only downside is that they only have 4 guys on there roster, so if they can pull all this off, you are going to look like a big fool.

Eli Hacker
LeBron lover
Gilbert Hater

P.s... GO HEAT!

A History of Goldendale,

Ladies and gentlemen, you always hear me ripping on how crappy Goldendale is and how small it is, but that is just because it is really fun to make fun of, but, I don't think that it would be, even a little bit fair, if I made fun of this small town without knowing any history about it. Today, when i woke up I had to goals in my head for what i wanted to to today. 1.) Watch where leBron decided to go (Miami Heat) and 2.) study up on the rotten, small, awesome town that I have called my home for the last 3 days. Well bucckle your seat belts and hold on to your Miami Heat caps, were going back to school.

[History teacher, Professor Hacker, stands in front of the bored classroom, and gets ready to lecture about his grandparents home town, Goldendale.] "I stand before you today, to give you knowledge of the outside world, and educate you, so you can look smart, in front of your grandparents at your family reunion. Lets get started.

In 1872 the town, of course we are talking about Goldendale, was given its name by the early homesteader John Golden. The Golden House is still viewable at Columbus and Collins St. in downtown Goldendale. In 1878 Goldendale became the county seat. Other early towns in the county were White Salmon, Lyle, Bingen, Glenwood, Dallesport and Bickleton, all still in existence, and all still have kept there really shitty names. Goldendale was officially incorporated on November 14, 1879.

Goldendale has remained the employment, business, commercial and banking center for the valley and, as the county seat, is the location for Klickitat County's courts and government offices. In recent years this small community has suffered from severe economic decline. After a local aluminum plant that once employed many residents closed, the small community struggled economically. The loss of tax base has taken its toll on the funds available for maintaining the city's infrastructure. In recent years there has been an interest in installing wind turbines that would generate power. While it has provided some jobs, this industry has not been the economic solution for which many residents hoped, and it is true that all 8 people that preside in this town all work there

In 2009, Goldendale was the site of the capture of an escaped insane killer, Philip Paul. That was the most exciting thing that happened there since the funeral where all the crazy people from Tennessee came and protested.

As of the census of 2000, there were 3,760 people, in the town, 1,515 households, and 963 families residing in the city. The population density was 1,592.6 people per square mile (615.1/km²). There were 1,690 housing units at an average density of 715.8/sq mi (276.5/km²). This next stat is really funny and it also shows you how much Goldendale hates black people. opp's was that my outside voice. The racial makeup of the city was 87.42% White, 0.21% African American, 4.63% Native American, 0.72% Asian, 0.27% Pacific Islander, 4.07% from other races, and 2.69% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 5.85% of the population.

There were 1,515 households out of which 34.4% had children under the age of 18 living with them, 46.4% were married couples living together, 12.7% had a female householder with no husband present, and 36.4% were non-families. 31.3% of all households were made up of individuals and 14.1% had someone living alone who was 65 years of age or older. The average household size was 2.41 and the average family size was 3.02.

This next stat shows you how old this town is. I bet you all of the 65+ people go to Community Grace Brethren Church. In the city the population was spread out with 28.4% under the age of 18, 7.7% from 18 to 24, 26.1% from 25 to 44, 22.6% from 45 to 64, and 15.2% who were 65 years of age or older. The median age was 36 years. For every 100 females there were 90.6 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 89.4 males.

The median income for a household in the city was $26,030, and the median income for a family was $33,866. Males had a median income of $36,977 versus $22,289 for females. The per capita income for the city was $13,111. About 21.9% of families and 25.4% of the population were below the poverty line, including 30.5% of those under age 18 and 26.3% of those age 65 or over.

Goldendale is located within the arid area in eastern Washington known as a rain shadow, caused by the Cascade Mountains 40 miles to the west. Yearly rainfall averages 8 to 12 inches. This produces a landscape of open bunch-grass prairies dotted with sagebrush and rabbit brush containing the occasional juniper tree, while the more sheltered areas consist of ponderosa pine and oak savannahs. Overcast days are rare, occurring mostly in late fall and throughout winter. Summer temperatures can range well over 100 degrees, while winter, when most of the precipitation occurs, can see temperatures below zero, particularly in January. Summer thunderstorms occur intermittently, particularly in July and August, but due to high cloud bases, rain seldom reaches the ground in any appreciable amount. Lightning-caused range and forest fires are a common occurrence during this time of year, however. Spring flowers and green meadows and prairies make Goldendale a particularly beautiful site. Spring and summer can be very blustery since the Chinook winds off the Pacific Ocean are funneled through the Columbia Gorge. Fall tends to be almost windless, and the autuminal oak leaves add a lovely touch of golden rust red to Observatory Hill on the north side of town.

[Professor Hacker looks around the room, as if to look into the students minds, and than slowly walks off the stage.] This would be an appropriate time to clap. Don't worry, your roomate won't think your crazy for all that long, maybe for the rest of the day at most.

The Turkeyradio Times: July 6th 2010: "Local adolescent drives to grandma's house in far away 'christian' town,"

Column 1: Boy drives to town populated by christians.
Today, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable happened. A boy, age 12, left his home in Portland to go all the way up to Goldendale. The boy was not kidnapped or raiped, he just left Portland. Good thing "Turkeyradio Times," is here to bring it to you first.

Thanks, Mark. It all happened, about 3 weeks ago, when this young boy's mom decided to send him to his grandma's house for 2 week's before, returning to home and going to his Larry Steele basketball camp. Eli, the 12 year old boy, made lot's of sarcastic remarks about his grandma's house between then, and now, but inside he really felt like he wanted to go to his grandma's house. Sources indicate, that he was happy when he got there, so happy, in fact that he started to dance around his room, nerf basketball in hand.

Before he left to go to Goldendale, he and his mother and grandmother, stopped by the local plant shop to get some plants for there garden's. Eli, as you can imagine was not thrilled about it, but he stuck along for the ride, knowing that there was a "Whopper," in it for him afterwards. Sources indicate that, not only did he eat a Whopper, but he also ate a side of fries and start chicken nuggets that are supposed to look like crowns and some sprite. Mark?

Well, Staci, this boy must have been hungry because that's a lot of food for a 12 year old to consume at one time, not that I blame him. All that he had had that day was hashbrowns and egg's 3 hours earlier. The poor kid must have been starving. Back to you, Staci.

Thank you, mark. I am being told that on the way down to Goldendale, Eli and his grandmother listened to a cheesy Mary Higgins Clark audiobook. Well, thats all we have for now. See you next time on The Turkeyradio Times.

Column 2: Advice column.
Today's word of advice is this. Being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it.

Thank you,

Ho' Depot's and Adison Rose,

Last night was epic. Not a good kind of epic, just epic. First off, there was a big giant "BOOM," every 2 seconds and sometime the boom even shook the house. Second, I left my shades up so that I would be able to see the fireworks as I drifted off to sleep (with the faint vibration of the house every 4 seconds) but that didn't work out either, because when I closed my eyes I would hear fireworks and i would open them immediately and they would stop. At about 11:30 it really started to piss me off, so i decided to just start going to sleep. Let me tell you, people, I slept because when I woke up, it was 10 and Thomas was telling me he was going to work and my mom was going to visit the new might-be nanny.

I thought it would be smart to seize the opportunity and so I did. I stumbled out of bed and started to play my PS3 video game, 2K10. I started a new Myplayer (you make your own character and try to get him to the NBA) and I swore that this one was going to make it to the NBA and not get sent to the D-league (trash can or reject can.) I named him the stupidest name in the world. I named him Adison Rose. Yeah, that's right Adison Rose. I later found out that, that name was totally a girl name so I went to settings and changed his sexuality to homosexual. It worked better from there because if he ever got a go ahead bucket he would strut up the court slowly and file his nails, all the while flipping his hair.

This one really was different, because he was kicking ass from the moment he stepped on the court. I thought i was going to lead him all the way to the NBA and I am so close. He got invited to the Miami Heat's training camp (he was thrilled about that, they got sexy male models) but the first 2 games he played, he sucked Mario Chamers' balls. I think in the 2nd game he got like 9 assists 17 rebounds and 2 points that came from the free throw line.

When he got invited to the training camp, I made him get a bunch of tattoo's everywhere, and I added a really cool beard. Wish me luck, I really think I need it (lets review, trying to lead a homosexual player with really bad shooting and a bad uniform pattern to the NBA) stop it! (No you stop it!) Don't listen to him he- (No, he's crazy.) *Stop it, both of you!*

PART 2,

Mom decided that she wanted to get ready for our garden by making a trip to the home depot. I thought it would be really fun, what with all the lawn mowers and chain-saw's that don't work. Mmmmm toasty. I also wanted to go there to get some onion's because I really want to plant some for the garden. But my mom didn't want to get plants, she just wanted to get shovels and other crap like that. At one point I was on the ground yelling "Onion's, mom, I want the damn onion's!"

But I have to admit, it was fun to sit on the lawn mowers and pretend like I was driving. I would pretend drive like Ron, with one hand on the bottom of the steering wheel.

We also got some wood lining because she wants to make the path to our back yard full of bark dust and lined with those. I think that it will never get done but if it does it is going to be freakin' awesome.

Attention/caution: This post is a lot funner to read if you read it and listen to Goldfrapp's "dreaming," at the same time. Also this blog contains so much sarcasm, that the author can't be sarcastic for a few more weeks so don't believe everything you read. Again, good life lesson.

Eclipse,

It sucked! It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my entire life, no joke. But, I have, even though it really sucked, it sucked in a good way that made it not suck. That means it was really fun to make fun of, afterwards. It was also fun to make fun of it during. Lady's and gentleman, this is Eclipse.

It started out with this guy, standing in the rain, walking home, and he gets bitten by a vampire. He turns into a vampire and than it fast-forwards 1 year. In the first movie, it was Bella who was desperate, she was the one who wanted to have sex with Edward, but now it has changed and Edward is the one who is desperate. The positions have changed. Here is a breakdown of all the characters.

BELLA: Is the most annoying, in my opinion, because if you were having a conversation with her she would never look you in the eye, she looks at your chest.. If she was a guy she would have red mark on her face from all the girls slapping her. LOL LOL. Also when she is talking, she stutters a lot, and when ever she stutters she licks her lips, shakes her head, and blinks a whole lot. She also swallows a lot. The only time in the movie when she didn't stutter in a sentence, was at the end, when she was telling Edward that he wasn't the only reason she wanted to be a vampire. She is also cares a lot about what other people think about her. She didn't want to marry Edward because she was scared she would be another one of those crazy people who got married right out of high school. Look, Bella, if your listening, just marry him, you love him and you are going to be with him for the rest of your life.. Okay? Good. Bella, also you need to take a trip to American Apparel, to get yourself some skinny jeans. You can't be 18 and walk around wearing straights. You also need to learn how put ketchup on hash-browns. You don't shake it and squeeze it at the same time. CHOOSE ONE!

EDWARD: There is not much you need to fix, but for you I would wan to ask if you own any shaving cream? If you do you might want to put the whole thing on your chest because every time you wear a v-neck, your hair is poking out of it like its drowning in your shirt. Okay and you need to fire your make-up artist because they are screwing up on your whole vampire look. You look like your being painted white with Beir paint and primer, but they put 1 layer in a few spots and 2 in the others. There are little cracks in your "make-up," on your hands. Just pass that on. It might be because the make-up artist hates you because all the other vamp's look fine. I don't blame her. You suck. In the books it says that vampires can lie so good, but I will refer you back to the first movie. Bella: "Where have you been for the last to weeks?" Edward: I was uh... *cough cough* stutter stutter um... camping." Come on that doesn't sound real. Why were you the only Cullen who went camping. Try this. Bella "Where have you been for the last to weeks?" Edward: Oh my mom broke her hand when she was dune skating in florida, and so I had to fly all the way over there to make sure that she was all right. You see me and my mother have a connections that my siblings don't have with her. I feel like me and her can almost read each others minds." Or "I'm a member of the Jr. Marines and we got called, out of the blue, to Idaho for to weeks. There was an opening in the gun range there and so we got to go there early. We also got it for cheaper because there was a discount 2 weeks ago." It's better if you tell details, because than it makes your story more believable.

JACOB: I want to ask him if he owns a shirt, because i never once in that movie, didn't see his 13 and a half pack. Thats all I have to say about you, dude.

I was telling all these things to amy and tony on the way out and this guy totally agreed with me. He said he was listening to our conversation and that I was totally right. One thing I want to say is that I think this is actually supposed to be a gay movie, a movie about Edward and Jacob's relationship. She hid it with girl/guy romance so that her fellow Mormon's wouldn't get pissed at her and shun her. I just want to put it out there. The next big thing on the cover of people magazine. "Stephanie Meyer gets shot by a fellow mormon, while worshiping Jesus at LDS." Just you watch.

Writing in the library,

Today my father came over, as he usually does on saturdays. It started out with us just doing our usual things, arguing over who's phone is better, telling each other how mean we are, and hugging each other repeatedly. When I was playing video games, around 3, he said he was going to go. I said "NOOO!" And asked him where he was going. He told me he was going to go over to library and do some writing. I looked at Thomas and asked him when Tony was going to be over.

"6:00," he told me and than said as long as I was back by than, it would be okay to go to the library. I got some bus fare out of my quarter collection, and me and my dad left the house.

Not 2 mminutes into the walk we were already arguing about where the nearest library was. We both agreed that it was on Woodstalk, but he thought that Woodstalk was back in the Mt. Scott direction. I corrected him, and said that it was actually down on 82nd. He looked at me for a second and than said "your probably right," and we started walking.

It almost felt like driving with my mom or Thomas, because he was on his phone almost 50% of the time we were walking, and the other 50% he was telling me about how i didn't know how happy he was to have a phone. Every time he said that I tilted my head and raised my eyebrows, followed by him calling me mean.

I am not mean. Well maybe sometimes I can be a little discouraging, but I wouldn't call it mean. I can understand why I would be mean to him though, because I had just spent the last 5 days with a bunch of dumbnuts that thought cake was made entirely out of frosting. Obviosly he has never had cake before.

When we got to 82nd we didn't know wether to go right or left, so we went into a plaid pantry and asked. I thought that we had to go right and the cashier confirmed that. Thats when I started yelling "WHAT NOW!" And "IN YOUR FACE!" To him.

Every single time we turned the corner i said that it was only going to be a few more blocks and in 3 blocks I would say that I was sure it was going to be after this building, and so on and so forth.

Eventually we got to the library, and we signed up for computers and waited, all that jazz. I think it is really fun to write someplace other than my house or grandma's. It is a change in apnosphere, and it kind of inspires me to write.

Note: The reason Tony is coming to pick me up is that me and him and Amy are going to go see the new Twilight movie, Eclipse, tonight and I am really excited. I will have a full breakdown of it either tomorrow or the next day. Sigh... i love writing in the library.

Wet-Ball!

Hello, reader's, I am finally back from my aweso- my basketball camp at George Fox university. I never thought I would say I was tired of basketball, but after that I might not touch one until my next basketball camp. Don't freak out, but I think, right now, I am leaning towards not liking basketball. I know! Here is my story.

Well there I was sitting on my couch bed, in my really small dorm. I looked around the room and took it all in. It was the first time I had really been alone all day, but it was worth it. My roomate was in the bathroom, taking a shower and all the other kids had finally stopped dribbling there f***ing ball down the hallway's. Before, I was laying down, trying to relax, but I couldn't, due to the bouncing of the balls.

My roomate came into the room and almost immediately turned off the light and got in his purple sleeping bag. I decided that I liked him. All the other people that I have stayed with at a camp have been the kind of kids who wake up at 7 without an alarm, and decide that they are bored, so they wake you up. I hate those people.

I tried to shut my eyes, but I couldn't at all. I couldn't go to sleep, so I thought about my day. We left at 12:30 and when we were on the road we listened to mom and Thomas' valentines cd. It was beyond sappy. We got to the main building at about 1:30 and we got into a long line, to sign me up, or rather to check me in. We went to find my dorm, and than found out that we had to drive to the high school because there was a bell choir staying in there. We dropped my stuff off at the dorm and drove to a gym that was at a different high school.

Once we got there we quickly found out that we needed to have my ball, even though the list said that we didn't. (flip off, flip off.) We than, drove back to the dorm and got my ball.

We were all separated into groups and I was in the 3rd one. Our group went to a big gym, right across from the one that we were in. I took a moment to look at all the coaches and coaching staff. For privacy purposes I will not use there real names. There was a really, really white one named marion berry. Now, when I say white, I mean, white. He was wearing his socks really high and his shirt was tucked into his shorts and his shorts were pulled up to his belly button.

There was a really fit one who seemed to be pretty good, a short one, and another short one, who was the one yelling at us at that moment.

I am not going to tell you everything about camp, just the general stuff and the highlights. The cafeteria was in the back of the main building and it was a really big room. We would get in a line and get a trey and some silverware. We got to get our own drink and everything, it was like a buffet. I thought that the food was going to be good, boy was I wrong. The food was basically freeze dryed grease. It sucked balls.

When we were in the gym, when ever someone would make a 3 someone would always yell out wet-ball. It got really annoying after a while. Every 2 seconds you would hear someone yell, WET-BALL!

That is why I named this blog after it, because it was the word that I heard the most.

The next cool thing that I did was on Tuesday night, we did this thing called intensity night. It is where we do all this work out stuff like push ups, mushroom hops, super-man's, mini holes, what have you. I got the best work out that I think I have ever had... ever! It was so intense. I sweat through my entire under shirt and I was so tired that after a while it was a rest to do push-ups.

The next thing I want to say is that I learned a lot at this camp, but I didn't really like it that much.

The last thing I want to say before this is over is that I thought it was only going to be a little catholic. Wooi mama. I was wrong. there are bible quotation's everywhere you looked and on the last night a speaker came and he made us ask god to save our mortal soul. Yes, we were forced to pray.

In discussion groups we were asked to say how god has effected our life and I said that i didn't have a story and I wasn't really religious, and the coach said that if I wanted to live my life like that, "so be it." I feel so bad!

Wet-ball!